Making Easy Things Part 6

Feb 17

At about this time on a Sunday night I get to thinking about my home. There is a hole in the ceiling of my front hall. I cut it open because brown, bubbling water marks were appearing along the seam between two drywall pieces. I started with a tiny square. Sure enough, there was black mold covering the top of the gypsum plug. I instantly taped up the opening and zoomed out to buy an enormous bottle of Mold-X — the smelly green fluid janitors use to spray sweaty highschool lockers and messy science closets. The directions insist that I dilute the stuff 3 to 1 with water, but I poured it straight into an empty spray bottle. I peeled back the duct tape patch and pumped the entire supply into the small hole in the ceiling. I then taped it up the best I could, hoping the dense, chemical mist would work against any invisible, floating mold spores in the concealed space.

The next day I covered my front hall in wide plastic sheets and created a reverse vacuum to suck any wayward spores out into the winter storm. I sawed a large, wobbly rectangle into the ceiling. Sure enough, there was a massive black ring of dark mold under the upstairs shower stall. After another bottle of disinfectant spray, a two square metres of plastic sheeting and a few rolls of packing tape, I sealed the hellmouth back up. I then drilled and chiseled into the unused second floor shower stall and poured Mold-X liberally down through the cracks until my front hall was dripping with a sterile, brown sauce. I rushed out again in the blizzard to gather the materials I’ll need to remove the dead and fuzzy crusted wood panels and seal the remaining corruption away for good.

But the weather hasn’t stopped. Weeks have pass and I haven’t had a chance to complete this repair. I must hold out until spring. My children have constant sniffles. My wife is sick with the flu. I developed a mild upper body rash. These are normal winter symptoms in our household, but, however irrationally, I now figure these ailments are because of the demon mold. Maybe unwholesome spores permeate the air, spreading through the ventilation system and into our lungs and our bodily systems. Probably not, but maybe.